Some things need to creep up on you through necessity or involuntary repetition to become a permanent fixture in life. Breathing, blinking, loving. Some things take an effort, like writing. You don't just wake up one day and write. You learn a language, you read, you familiarize yourself with the grammar and write something less significant than you imagined would be your greatest work. An e-mail, a pithy twitter or a greeting card. Gradually you'll learn to love the possibilities of your preferred communication and you move on to love letters, diaries and other more personal but not less important staples. Something that clears your head or gives you food for thought, something good for you.
You do not however progress directly to the almighty and ever looming goal you have set for your self. Why is that? Don't you trust your work-ethic or worse, your talent, or even worse, your imagination. I've been in love with this idea of man made things. Where something useful or beautiful, or best of all both, springs from a single thought, and a single person, just the one person who has the courage to pursue this possibility of realizing this idea. I am also a coward. My own ideas aren't good enough, I say to myself, they lack originality, they aren't personal enough, I don't know who I am and so on and so forth to perpetuate a cliche.
It's all bullshit, there is no originality or personality, there is just what you can do and how you do it. Right now I am just exercising my writers muscle. Trying to build this habit of putting words to paper, or digits to disc. There is just what you can do in the time you have allotted to the task at hand. Nothing romantic and nothing magical. We all have a need pushing us towards something. Much of our energy and time is spent in suppressing this need for practical purposes. Those of us that live our lives in a succession of time sensitive tasks on the outside, push through because of our other life that rages on the inside, sometimes completely independent of what you experience and pursue in real life.
This inner life will out though, and now its time to put real life skills to good use. Build that habit, excel for yourself instead of in service, make the time to figure out if your self worth is tied to the paycheck or to the dividend of indulging in your need. I think I am about to find out.... I hope. It gives me courage.