Yeah, like all good intentions, they paved the way to hell, well my own personal hell, and pretty quickly actually... First things first. There seems to be an enormous amount of willpower required for the slightest little change at this stage in my life, really you have to become your own mother, well not my mother... me as my mother, with endless patience, constant reminders and countless tricks to spark and keep an interest in some far away final destination.... ok so not me as a mother either, just as bad... poor babies... Luckily my offspring have a mind of their own and, well, so have I and its a little dotty. I swear and declare, bad habits will prevail if good women don't stand up to their blackened consciences, muddied by former expectations that their waistlines and slackened skins have long since failed to aspire to.
It's an age thing. Things change after forty, thats a fact, a medical fact even, but most of us feel it pretty acutely without the scientific references and those of us that managed to keep the flame of youthful tomfoolery alive up until now, wake up with a expiration date on a number of thing... babies, last chance ladies.... looks, whats with the sun damage, doesn't the universe know how much I spend on sp products... boyfriends, at this point they really should fall into the "partner" or "husband" category...which brings us to booty calls, who has the energy... education, really your going for your BA "now"? and so many more things.
Ok, so I got a little sidetracked, thats the dotty forty something mind for you, might just be alzheimer light, or maybe all of us get alzheimer light round about now. Ok, dont get me wrong, I never experienced the so called glory days the way other people do and cringe a little from the memory every time I think 5, 10, 15, 20 years back... Again don't get me wrong, I've loved going through some hefty stuff and really nice highs, but I'm tired.... my body is tired, my mind is flat, my heart is heavy and my soul is thinning into a collection of once was moments. The future is, well now. You have to adjust and that's no small feat, your mindset is just not ready for the second half of your life, and come to think of it, will it be just as fretful and exhausting as the first one? And you know, what the hell, is there really no way to consistently go to sleep at a godly hour and have a nice walk in the morning. I mean, just do it woman... or at least that is my sisters advice and I have to use every ounce of restraints not to flatten her, she's tiny, I could do it... but then again I would drop right off mommies favourites list.. hmmmm, theres a thought.
So, I just did it, slipped into high gear and slid right into exhaustion... and probably bankruptcy, live and learn. Now I just have to figure out a way to pick myself up, dust myself off and try, try again.... again.